Rain, rain go away!

I know that at one point last year I was praying for rain...I know that God heard my prayers because he soon sent us a refreshing, much needed rain. Now I sit here with another prayer. I pray for him to please let up on the rain. I haven't built my "ark" yet! And the way it looks I may need one! Its rained so hard for the past week. Our yard is swampy and the creek continues to rise. I am worried. There is a HUGE tree that is adjacent to our house, I fear that the ground being so saturated may cause this tall, tall tree to tumble. =(

Dear Lord,
I am not sure you have the time of day to read blogs. But if you do and you happen across this one, would you please tell your angels they can pour out the rain on south Texas or maybe even north west Wisconsin. They need it and us folks in east Tennessee are well saturated. =) Just in case you don't get to this blog I intend to have a talk with you soon.

Sincerely,
Your Beautifully Broken Child
ML

We are lucky...

Hi y'all. Its been a long day. I have been sick on the couch for most of this dreary Sunday, or at least it felt like a dreary Sunday to me. I hope you fared better than I did.

Anyway, last night as I lay beside my Lil boy as he tried to go to sleep he was in a talking mood. I love those but please don't let him know, I will never get him to sleep again :). He was talking about his Papaw(my daddy). He was talking about how he loved him so much and how he was glad that he could spend time with him. He said to me mom, I miss my Nana. I took a deep breath and I said I miss her too. He said he missed the way he could hug her and that her hugs were the best. He is right her hugs had a healing power all their own. I long to feel her arms tight around me. He said to me , mom I miss her kisses when I get hurt and I miss talking to her when I am mad or hurt. I thought to myself, me too. I searched deep inside trying to know what to say to comfort him and maybe myself as well. And from somewhere, I could hear her voice in my head and she whispered I am still here, I am in your heart, and even though you cant see me, you cant touch me, you can feel me, you can feel my love. So I told him, she is still with us, and if we listen close enough that we can hear her whisper I love you in our ear every night before we drift off to sleep. That she has not left us, she is watching over us and that she is waiting for us. And he said mom, I love her too and you know what, we are lucky Nana is our Guardian Angel. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, yes baby we are...

I lay there hoping to hear her voice again and thought of how much I needed her to hug me right now. But in my heart I know that momma is in the arms of Jesus, and I believe that as I lay down last night and drifted off to dream, she whispered in my ear, I love you.

Wow...

Did you know I am a HUGE VOL fan? I love VOLS football! Just in case you had no clue, now you know. I love fall, I love cold weather,I love football and I LOVE my VOLS! Its been a bumpy few years, but regardless I bleed orange ;). And today we saw a great game for the team. Tennessee beat Georgia 45-19, it is a big SEC win. I am so excited. I think its the first time I have actually felt, (for lack of a better word) bubbly :) in a very long time. I am sorry to be gushing here but I am happy & I thought I would share it with you. Go VOLS! Way to go!

*Update on the crazy lady ;-)

I am hanging in there. Its been a much better week. John and I have been doing some work on the house. We put down wood flooring in our living room and we are working on our kitchen now. Its keeping me busy and that helps. I am also working for our school system as a substitute and I am planning to take a test to qualify me to be a teachers aid. Its a full time position, which would both help financially and help me with moving from day to day. Thanks for the encouragement and prayers they are appreciated! I love yall.

Lost

I am struggling with so many losses. My mom being the hardest. Loss of a dear friend being right up there too. I am so deep in a dark place. I scream and claw trying to get out, but I fail. So I have agreed to get help. Grief counseling is a good idea for me I guess. I know that the anger that is burning deep inside, not good, the hurt that defines me, not good, the fear that paralyzes me, not good. So I guess help to heal my heart cant be bad. Feeling more than hurt and anger cant be bad. So its help for me. I hate to admit I cant do this on my own. But I cant. And I hope that when I am back to being the better part of me, I can share the with you who I am. And where I have been. I pray that I can be forgiven for my doubt. And that I can truly love with all I am once more. Please help me pray.

This is a poem I wrote its from this place I have found myself at this moment.


darkness sneaking in
no light to be seen
covered up with sin
only his blood can wash me clean
heartache and guilt consume
i pray for a way out
locked up in depressions tomb
filled with anger and doubt
fighting with what i know
trying to comprehend
i just cant seem to let it go
the darkness & pain may never end
i breathe out and in again
eyes open wide
in need of Christ my friend
but yet i seem to hide
stuck in this broken shell
who i am is lost
living in this daily hell
my only hope left in the cross

Where Do I Go From Here?

Okay, so I can be selfish, who isn't at times? I can feel like I am alone, who doesn't from time to time? I can even make my moms death about me, who hasn't felt that way when they are surrounded by grief, like it is all about them? But in the light of day I must realize that its not about me. And there are those who are going through the same thing as I am and some who have things bigger than this to face. But lately I keep fighting the want to die. To leave this world and all the pain behind. Erase all the heartache. Can I do that? Should I? I want to leave here. But do I? Do I allow my selfishness to take hold and allow me to turn away from the pain and sleep forever? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I feel as if I am suffocating. deep inside there is a fire that burns, a fire that consumes, a hurt that has ripped through my heart and soul. I don't know where to turn. God knows this pain and I have asked for his help. But I cant feel him. Where do I go from here?

Confusion?

Someone once told me to " Breathe and Believe" Believe that God is in control and that he alone can take care of me and the chaos that surrounds me. Breathe and believe? I find breathing harder by the minute and I wont lie, I am struggling to believe that God even sees me, hears my prayers and I often wonder if he even cares. I am not sure that I can make it to the base of this GINORMOUS, mountain that God has set in front of me, much less be able to even start the climb. I feel as if I am alone in this overwhelming mess. Yet I still pray, but what is prayer without faith? I don't even know if God cares to hear me anymore. I have failed Him in every way one can fail Him. I am not worthy of His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, yet the bible tells me that He will love, forgive and have mercy upon me IF I believe in Him. And I do, I do believe in Him, I know He came to save us from this sinful world, but I also doubt that He hears me, sees me, and cares? Does that make me an unbeliever, or just human? How do I say that I believe in our Lord and Savior, yet I doubt His Love for me, His mercy? I am in a struggle for my life. For my sanity. I am angry and hurt. I am lost and confused. I am broken.

Can U hear me Lord? Do you know my hurt? Do you care? Are you angry with me? What did I do to make you isolate me? Did I do this to myself? Can you hear me?

I think that says it all....

I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
I’d rather be His love than have riches untold;
I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
Or be held in sin’s dread sway;
I’d rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;
I’d rather be true to His holy name

He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;
I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead

Touched once more by Trisomy 18

HI y'all. I am writing this post to ask for your prayers. Not for myself but for my cousin and his partner. Its been almost 2 years since God blessed Eric and Freedom with their son Gage, its also been nearly two years since God called Gage home. Gage died from S.I.D.S. They are still grieving his loss. And in the midst of this grief Freedom discovered she was expecting another child, another son. This news took them by surprise and they have been running a gambit of emotions. And just the other day they were given some heart breaking news, Freedoms blood work came back and it appears that their new baby has Trisomy 18. I know you have heard me mention Trisomy 18 before, as I have spoken of Zoe B.

Trisomy 18 occurs at conception, 23 chromosomes from the father and 23 chromosomes from the mother combine to create a baby with a set of 46 chromosomes in each cell. A trisomy occurs when a baby has three #18 chromosomes instead of the normal two. Unlike Down syndrome, which is also caused by a chromosomal defect, the developmental issues caused by Trisomy 18 are associated with medical complications that are more potentially life-threatening in the early months and years of life. 50% of babies who are carried to term will be stillborn, with baby boys having higher stillbirth rate than baby girls. This is a scary thing for Eric and Freedom. They are not prepared for another loss. And if you have followed Zoe's story you know that miracles happen everyday. I believe that prayer changes things, I have seen way to much to believe otherwise. Zoe turned a year old in April. Her mom and dad were told she may not live to be a week old, Zoe has since been proving them wrong. She fights daily and has had struggles along the way but God has blessed her and her family. I hope that God will do the same for Freedom and Eric.

I am pleading for your prayers. They are lost., caught up in a whirlwind and in fear of what is to come. After losing baby Gage they have questioned God and his love and mercies. They feel unworthy of him now. I pray that they can be strong. Freedom goes for another ultra sound in a week, they are needing to see the babys heart chambers and his face, both of which alluded them on the last ultra sound. They say everything thus far is normal, and that when they see his face and heart they will be more prepared to make a confirmed diagnosis. I know God can do anything, we have to have faith and believe. Please help me pray that when they check the baby, that there are no abnormalities, that he is growing and that the test wereoff their mark. Do you too believe in miracles? I do. Lets pray together.

Something to be proud of...

It seems that lately most of the things I write are sad. Maybe its because of my mood, my losses, my hurt. And the hurt seems to define me. I don't know if I am ok with that. I have always been a people person, John informed me just today that I have closed myself off, he is worried. And I got to thinking, what is wrong with me? I have always been the shy backwards type but this has become crazy. So I made a decision not to give up.

John has been beside me, picked me up off the floor when I begged God to just take me too, he has held my hand as I cried myself to sleep, he has listened to my ranting when it made no sense. He is good to me. I am so happy that we have been able to move past our short comings and be stronger than we have ever been. I really don't know why I chose to write this blog, maybe just to say that I am lucky. Through all the grief, I am still lucky, lucky to have love, to have hope, to have him. I hope you are lucky enough to have this same love someday, its nowhere near perfect, but its wonderful.

Behind the door

Five months have passed since I lost my Momma. It happened so suddenly and I just can't seem to move forward past the closed door.

They say there are 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I am still in denial. I refuse to go into her room. The door is closed and as long as I leave it closed I can pretend she is in her room sleeping peacefully and there is no need to disturb her. I know this is not the healthy way to deal with losing her, but I don't think that I am ready to be angry, although the first few days I did go through the first three stages over and over but I seem to have gotten stuck back at the first one...denial. Shall I be stuck here forever? I think most certainly not. I know Momma would want me to move forward. I just don't want to let her go. She was my best friend, she was the one I could confide in, the one who loved me no matter how bad I screwed up, the one who always took the most pride in my accomplishments, the one who always knew just what to say, when I was at my lowest point she would help me pick myself back up, she was the best mom. I miss her. Her laughter filled the room, her smile bright as the sun, she had a heart that was as big as the world. I love her so. I miss her so. What can I do? Do I leave the door shut and let her sleep. In my head I know her fight is over, her work on earth is done, she is resting now for the first time. But my heart, my heart it aches for her. It aches for her touch, her laugh, her smile. For now I think I will leave the door shut and let her rest, at least for this night. I am unsure of tomorrow.

H - E - double hockey sticks...

Hello from the world of broken hearts and endless wishes. I am Mariea and I will be your guide for the day...

Memorial Day Weekend is at hand. School has dismissed for the summer and I am still here in this whole I shall further refer to as hell. I know, dark stuff. I am currently trying to understand this hell and all I seem to be able to comprehend is that it is... how shall I put this, well its just plain hell. I miss my momma daily, sleeping is a rare luxury for me. I lay down to sleep and I relive the morning dad called to tell me he had found my momma dead. OVER & OVER. No rest for me. The seizures due to lack of sleep drain my body of any ounce of energy I may have had. And I feel alone. Surrounded by family and friends I am alone. HELL.

I know that everyone says it will get better. And somewhere deep inside beneath the screaming voice saying "shut up! I will never stop missing my mom." I know that with time it will be less of a hurt for me. I try to rationalize this daily. Maybe when I have had some sleep...

Anyway on a brighter note, I will have my son home with me for a couple months as he enjoys his summer vacation. Hell seems a lil less scary with him at my side.

A song for my heart...

This song is perfect if you get the chance to listen to it please do. It helps my heart. I was so down and thought about listening to some songs on GAC a county station on TV. And this was the 1st video to come on, God had to know I needed to hear it.

here's a link to the video
http://www.cmt.com/videos/alan-jackson/355885/sissys-song.jhtml

Sissy's Song
by Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know
why Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times
I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Barely getting by...

So much has changed in the last month and a half. Life truly is fragile. The loss of my momma has taken a huge toll on the entire family. Mom was the thread that held us all together. We all seem to be falling apart.

My son
He has trouble sleeping, cries often and has spurts of pure anger. He lacks interest in many things he use to love, baseball being the most recent in a line of unappealing objects of interest. I try to help him but he just wants to be left alone. And my hearts breaks because I know mom would know what to do. How can I comfort him, I just don't know.

My brother
My brother was in no way good to our mom. His drug dependence and his need for that to be supported always ended in my momma being emotionally abused. And now he resorts to using my mommas death to his advantage. To take from those who have compassion for a young man who just lost his mom so suddenly. He has had some moments of sanity and seen his wrong doing but then he returns to his drug use and his abuse of our fathers love.

My aunts ( mommas sisters )
Anger consumes them. They both have lots of hurt and anger, in the past 9 years they have lost their parents, a brother and 2 sisters . They lost my granny and momma just a year apart. They are hurt deep. Neither live for God, I hope that knowing that the life my momma led, in someway helps them overcome the anger and they can find hope in Gods love...

My Daddy
Oh my, this man is a rock. Solid in most every way but in the past month I have seen him crumble. His heart is broken. He is a mess, much like me. During the 1st week of my mommas unexpected passing I thought my dad was doing great, he has tremendous faith in God and knowing someday he would see mom again gave him comfort, knowing her pain was gone and she would not have to suffer another day in this hell she had on earth was a comfort. But all the faith in the world couldn't keep his heart from aching. His health is not good but the grief has taken its toll. He has resigned his church, I worry for him. He has had such trouble. My brother continually takes advantage of his grief. And this breaks his heart even more. I cant help him. I don't know how...

Me
ML... well Mariea Lynn is a shell of herself. Not really here. Not really feeling much more than the emptiness. I need to help the above people that I love with all my heart, but there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, I am a mess. I have sank into a deep depression. I am lost and I need to hear my mommas voice, feel her hands brush my hair out of my eyes, I need to know she is ok. I just don't know what I need. I want to be able to feel the way people say I should feel, I should be happy she doesn't suffer anymore, and I do but I still want her here with me. I wouldn't bring momma back not to the life that she had, if i could bring her back now in her new body that she was given, the one with no sickness no pain...I don't know I would still be bringing her back to this hell we call earth. Maybe I will wait and go be with her... I just don't know anymore...

I guess what I am trying to say is we are a family that is struggling to stay afloat. In need of Gods mercies. Please help our family pray for guidance and peace. I don't know where else to turn but to the Lord...

He misses her so...

My son is having such a hard time with losing his nana, she was the one he ran to when he skinned his knee, or if he had a splinter she could remove it better than me, she had a way with him that was comforting and nurturing not that I dont have that, they just had a close bond. She was the first to hold him when he came into this world 9 years ago. She held him up to me and said, " Sissy look at our baby, he is an angel" And he was her driving force. She adored him as he did her and he struggles as he misses her everyday, so will you help me pray for him? Help me know how to comfort him the way my momma would have, the way his nana would have. Please. We could both use your prayers. I thank you for every thing, you are loved...

A Handful Of Weeds

I am trying my best to move through each day without feeling suffocated. I say trying because I have yet to get to that point. I have tried telling myself that my mom is no longer in pain, no longer heartbroken and missing her mom as I am now. I tell myself that she would want me to remember her life, not her death and she would want me to move forward with my life. I tell myself. I must not be a good listener. :) every day is hard and pain unmeasurable is suffocating. But I find my mommas love around every corner. I heard this song and if ever there was a song written about the lady that God blessed me with as a mom, this is it. Its titled a hand full of weeds. I miss my momma, but I know now she is blessed with a arm full of the most beautiful flowers no living being has ever seen, she is in the presence of our Lord & Savior.


"Handful Of Weeds"
Four years old, with dirt on my face
I'd been out in the yard pickin dandelions all day
I burst through the front door
when I'd gathered enough to give to my mom,
to show her my love
when I held out my hands
she looked down at me,
she said I've never seen flowers as beautiful as these

she's the one who told me about Jesus
she's the one who taught me to sing
she deserves, an armful of roses
she's satisfied with a handful of weeds

Now that I'm older and out on my own
I wish I could find more time to make it back home
I could've done better,
I know in my heart
than to scribble a note on a last minute card
And then she calls on the phone
and the first thing she says is
I've read this card over and over again

She's always known what true love means
and I want her to know what she means to me !

she's the one who told me about Jesus
she's the one who taught me to sing
she deserves, an armful of roses
she's satisfied with a handful of weeds

She's more than satisfied, with a handful of weeds.

NO GOD! Not my MOMMA!

I am sitting here at this computer trying to decide how to put into words the events that have occurred in the last 3 weeks. I truly don’t know how to begin or what to say...

I guess I will start with the morning of February 12th . This morning started out as every other morning, John and Christy had brought me Abby and Isaiah to watch for the day. And being that John had just been laid off from his job just 2 days before, he was there with me. I had gotten Boo up and ready for school and he was as always grumpy, nothing new. So I feed him some oatmeal and send him off to enjoy a Thursday at school. He and John left as I stayed home with Abby and Isaiah. When John got back from dropping Boo off, we sat down with the kids to play. I was talking to John as he played with Isaiah, when the phone rang. I never knew that what I was about to hear would change my life forever.

As I reached for the phone, John asked who is it, it was dad. I answered, he couldn’t talk he was crying, his gasps for air scared me, then the next words I heard I can not get out of my mind, "Sissy, oh sissy you need to get down here" I said ok daddy calm down what’s wrong? I thought it was my lil brother, I just knew he had overdosed but I didn’t hear my mom in the background. Thinking back now, I should have known. Then my daddy told me the hardest thing I have ever had to hear... he said, "sissy I found your momma dead, I need you" I remember screaming no! daddy no! I dropped the phone in Johns lap and said my mommas dead as I ran out the door. In the short run from my house to theirs every bad thing crossed my mind, and all I could do was plead with God to not let it be true, not my momma. I had just seen her the night before and tucked her into bed, not my momma, I need my momma. NOT MY MOMMA! I was afraid I had no idea what I was about to find, had she fallen? She was sick and fell all the time, had she hit her head? No! There’s been a mistake, NOT MY MOMMA. But when I got to the door daddy met me, he grabbed me tightly as I screamed so loud that the neighbors could hear. I could see her she wasn’t dead she was in the bed, she was asleep. The same way I saw her a million times before, the same way I saw her just hours before, daddy held me as I screamed not momma and when I broke free and got to my momma she was laying there so peaceful as if she were sleeping, I could hear the oxygen trying to push into her lugs from her nose tube, but she wasn’t breathing. Her arm was cold and her nails were blue. I begged her to come back, I tried to breathe air into her, I don’t know CPR but I did all I could, but God had already taken her. I could feel the warmth of her cheek, as I leaned down and tried to breathe life back into her. I begged God to give her my beating heart, to put my breath into her. I begged. He refused. It took almost an hour for the ambulance to arrive, and I know they found no heartbeat, no life in my mom. But they said they did all they could. But my momma had went to sleep the night before and when her eyes opened again she was not in this world, my momma awoke in heaven.

I struggle with this everyday. I have never felt such pain. I want my momma. I want her arms around me, I want to smell her hair and her perfume when she hugs me, I want to look into her green eyes and tell her that I love her one more time. I am so lost without her. PLEASE! God not my Momma!