NO GOD! Not my MOMMA!

I am sitting here at this computer trying to decide how to put into words the events that have occurred in the last 3 weeks. I truly don’t know how to begin or what to say...

I guess I will start with the morning of February 12th . This morning started out as every other morning, John and Christy had brought me Abby and Isaiah to watch for the day. And being that John had just been laid off from his job just 2 days before, he was there with me. I had gotten Boo up and ready for school and he was as always grumpy, nothing new. So I feed him some oatmeal and send him off to enjoy a Thursday at school. He and John left as I stayed home with Abby and Isaiah. When John got back from dropping Boo off, we sat down with the kids to play. I was talking to John as he played with Isaiah, when the phone rang. I never knew that what I was about to hear would change my life forever.

As I reached for the phone, John asked who is it, it was dad. I answered, he couldn’t talk he was crying, his gasps for air scared me, then the next words I heard I can not get out of my mind, "Sissy, oh sissy you need to get down here" I said ok daddy calm down what’s wrong? I thought it was my lil brother, I just knew he had overdosed but I didn’t hear my mom in the background. Thinking back now, I should have known. Then my daddy told me the hardest thing I have ever had to hear... he said, "sissy I found your momma dead, I need you" I remember screaming no! daddy no! I dropped the phone in Johns lap and said my mommas dead as I ran out the door. In the short run from my house to theirs every bad thing crossed my mind, and all I could do was plead with God to not let it be true, not my momma. I had just seen her the night before and tucked her into bed, not my momma, I need my momma. NOT MY MOMMA! I was afraid I had no idea what I was about to find, had she fallen? She was sick and fell all the time, had she hit her head? No! There’s been a mistake, NOT MY MOMMA. But when I got to the door daddy met me, he grabbed me tightly as I screamed so loud that the neighbors could hear. I could see her she wasn’t dead she was in the bed, she was asleep. The same way I saw her a million times before, the same way I saw her just hours before, daddy held me as I screamed not momma and when I broke free and got to my momma she was laying there so peaceful as if she were sleeping, I could hear the oxygen trying to push into her lugs from her nose tube, but she wasn’t breathing. Her arm was cold and her nails were blue. I begged her to come back, I tried to breathe air into her, I don’t know CPR but I did all I could, but God had already taken her. I could feel the warmth of her cheek, as I leaned down and tried to breathe life back into her. I begged God to give her my beating heart, to put my breath into her. I begged. He refused. It took almost an hour for the ambulance to arrive, and I know they found no heartbeat, no life in my mom. But they said they did all they could. But my momma had went to sleep the night before and when her eyes opened again she was not in this world, my momma awoke in heaven.

I struggle with this everyday. I have never felt such pain. I want my momma. I want her arms around me, I want to smell her hair and her perfume when she hugs me, I want to look into her green eyes and tell her that I love her one more time. I am so lost without her. PLEASE! God not my Momma!