Where Do I Go From Here?

Okay, so I can be selfish, who isn't at times? I can feel like I am alone, who doesn't from time to time? I can even make my moms death about me, who hasn't felt that way when they are surrounded by grief, like it is all about them? But in the light of day I must realize that its not about me. And there are those who are going through the same thing as I am and some who have things bigger than this to face. But lately I keep fighting the want to die. To leave this world and all the pain behind. Erase all the heartache. Can I do that? Should I? I want to leave here. But do I? Do I allow my selfishness to take hold and allow me to turn away from the pain and sleep forever? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I feel as if I am suffocating. deep inside there is a fire that burns, a fire that consumes, a hurt that has ripped through my heart and soul. I don't know where to turn. God knows this pain and I have asked for his help. But I cant feel him. Where do I go from here?

Confusion?

Someone once told me to " Breathe and Believe" Believe that God is in control and that he alone can take care of me and the chaos that surrounds me. Breathe and believe? I find breathing harder by the minute and I wont lie, I am struggling to believe that God even sees me, hears my prayers and I often wonder if he even cares. I am not sure that I can make it to the base of this GINORMOUS, mountain that God has set in front of me, much less be able to even start the climb. I feel as if I am alone in this overwhelming mess. Yet I still pray, but what is prayer without faith? I don't even know if God cares to hear me anymore. I have failed Him in every way one can fail Him. I am not worthy of His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, yet the bible tells me that He will love, forgive and have mercy upon me IF I believe in Him. And I do, I do believe in Him, I know He came to save us from this sinful world, but I also doubt that He hears me, sees me, and cares? Does that make me an unbeliever, or just human? How do I say that I believe in our Lord and Savior, yet I doubt His Love for me, His mercy? I am in a struggle for my life. For my sanity. I am angry and hurt. I am lost and confused. I am broken.

Can U hear me Lord? Do you know my hurt? Do you care? Are you angry with me? What did I do to make you isolate me? Did I do this to myself? Can you hear me?