...for good to those who love GOD.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
~Romans 8:28

This is my verse of the day. Even when things seem "broken" and life seems so unfair all these things work together for the good, for those who love the Lord. I take solice in knowing this. Its a comfort that even when I feel all is lost and there is no hope that God has his plan and it is good. :) I know this because I love and trust in HIM. Some days my faith in Him is tested and often times I feel alone but I believe in His love, a love far beyond any love I myself have ever known. Faith after all is the ..."substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." according to Gods word. And I know in heart that Gods love dwells within me. And in this world, though times we can't see, I believe.

I believe that all things work for the good of those that love the Lord, so when I think of The Batiansilas in Wisconsin whos daughter was diagnosed with trisomy18, and faces surgery for a heart defect and I see all the struggles that they face, I know that because they love God it will all be for good. Zoe has touched the hearts of so many. And today my heart smiles as I think of her, she is a spunky lil girl; full of life and smiles, she struggles, but her plight has touched the hearts of many around the world. All for the Good of those who love God. And the Batiansilas, do. They have more faith than anyone I have known. And here is where I will sneak in a prayer request in for them, they struggle daily and need the uplifting of those who believe in God and have faith that he can do all things. So please as u pray remember them.

So I pledge to myself to try to have a lil more faith that even when all seems bad, if I love my Lord and Savior it will all work together for the GOOD!

Heavens Gain

Today as I picked up our local paper I realized that in fact the world had lost another wonderful lady. At 30 Crystal Wright Bunch was my age and she was so full of life. She was a fighter, yet she lost her fight, unfortunately death won. 30! 30? Lord, sometimes I think U only take the best. She was a mother to Dexter & Caitlyn, (step) mom to Shaylyn, Jordan, Michael, Jacob, and Sesilie. She was a great mother, She took care of 6 of these children daily. Supermom. She will be missed. My heart goes out to these kids, I can't imagine the pain. And Duane, her husband my heart breaks for him. Please remember them in your prayers. They have a long road ahead of them.

Needing Him.

Some days are easier than others. Today is a "hard to breathe" kind of day for me. I am feeling a bit low. I found out today that I have to see a specialist and have a procedure done to correct an untreated infection, so that someday I may be able to give my son a little sister or brother. Its scary for me to think of. But God I know will see me through. And in the end his will, will be done. Just pray that God be with me through it all.

Thinking of a lil girl up north

As I held Isaiah in my arms, I thought of baby Zoe, how even now at nearly 5 months old she is just a lil bigger than Isaiah. I thought of how her mom and dad must feel as they hold their precious lil girl, knowing a time may come soon that they have to let her go. My heart just broke. In that moment I couldn't breathe. So lets not forget to pray for them as well. Pray for the Batiansilas to have more memories with Zoe, more days, more years & many more everyday miracles.

Lil Elvis

Look @ his " Elvis " lip!

August 15, around 5 am I received a call that one of my dearest friends was in labor. I got to the hospital after dropping Boo off at school, her water had been broken and she had taken the Epidural. She was feeling lil pain. Thank God. :) By 10:52, Christy and John had welcomed their second child and their first son into this world. Isaiah Matthew weighed in at 7lb 1 oz. he is 20.5 inches long. He is a precious lil thing. He began having some trouble though, he wants all the attention and to get it he developed an infection ;) & his blood glucose dropped as well, he wanted to scare us good. He isn't eating well and I am worried. They are running a series of test to find out what is happening with our lil guy. So please pray. Pray that God will take care of him. The questions of what is going on and how can we fix it, is really hard on his parents. So please say a prayer for them as well. I know that God can do all things. I am putting my trust in him.

*Sigh*

What a crazy few weeks since I have written in this blog. I am so far behind. In the past week I have had to bid farewell to two friends. I am broken hearted, yet I take solace in the fact that they are now at rest in the arms of God. I am told that Tilman, who happens to be the father of one of my dearest friends, had suffered so deeply before his passing. And though we grieve because of his death we can rejoice in the fact that now he walks the streets of heaven with Christ our Savior. The same with Ms. Colleen., she suffers no more, now she can rest in the arms of Jesus.

Blessing in the storm?

I know that if you know me personally or have read this blog you are aware that daily I fight some pretty convincing demons. Demons that remind me of all that is wrong around me, all that is wrong with me, and all that is wrong with this world. I struggle daily with thoughts of being worthless, as if God himself wouldn't even want my love and devotion. I feel as if I have failed at everything I have tried to accomplish. I fall and try to stand back up once more and I slip and I am right back where I started from. I know there are so many of you out there that have been where I am now, or maybe you are where I am... I am pushing forward slowly and there are days when I see a glimpse of what God sees all around me, I can see some good, some light at the end of this tunnel, I can see grace and hope. But these days for me don't come easy anymore. Lucky for me I have friends that love me, who want to try to lend a hand and lift me up. Today I was reminded that even in my weakness in my turmoil, there is a blessing in the storm.


Do your heart a favor if you are going through any kind of trial, or just do your self a favor and take a listen to this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZV9wsRmROA&feature=related

Kirk Franklin
Blessing in the storm

When i cannot feel the sparrow sing
And i cannot feel the melody
There's a secret place
That's full of grace

There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

When the sickness wont leave my body
And the pain just wont leave my soul
I get on my knees and say Jesus please

There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the storm

When I cannot seem to love again
And the rain drops wanna never end
If you just hold on those clouds will soon be gone

There's a blessing in the storm
Help me sing it
There's a blessing in the Sweet storm

I need to feel your love...

From somewhere deep inside me I hear the echo of a beating, broken heart. I am sad. I feel so alone in this big unforgiving world. I sleep less and less. I cry more and more. I long to feel God once again. I am sick. My seizures drain me. My situation at home though improved is so complicated and stressful. I look for a light at the end of the tunnel and I see none. All I see is hurt and anguish. I fear for my life. Not that anyone may take it from me, I fear for what my life may become. Can I allow myself to live? I pray to my Lord, I pray for forgiveness, I pray for mercy and strength. I pray that he will take these thoughts from me. That he will give me the want to live. I have faith that he hears my prayers, I just wonder why I can't feel his presence. I know he is here. I know he promised he would never leave nor forsake me. So why can't I feel him? Am I spiritually dead? Have I lost my connection to God? Can that happen? It seems every door I try to open slams shut and the windows have been nailed down. There is no escape. There is no air to breathe, I am suffocating. Yet I pick up and move in mere inches through the darkness in search of the light. I will not give up until I feel him, until I feel his love once more.

a heavy heart

Meet my baby brother. Joshua.

I mentioned my little brother in my profile. I say little, though he is a huge 6'5" tall teddy bear. He is my younger brother, my only sibling. I miss him. Right now he sits in jail, most likely having withdraws. I worry. I love him so very much.

Sadly he is an drug addict. When he is not using there is no one on the earth that is more loving and kind. But the drugs have turned him into a total different person. He has lost everything. He has a 6 year old lil boy who has no idea who his dad is. He has missed out on his life because he is driven by only one thing, getting high. He would never hurt anyone, never steal, never disrespect his parents, never let his son not know his father. But addiction will and addiction has. Its a very scary thing for all of us that love him. He is sick. He is ashamed of his situation, of his addiction. But he isn't willing to stop. I pray that God take his addiction, but until my lil brother is willing to give it to him, he just won't take it.

Please pray that God will watch over my lil brother as he lays in jail having withdraws. Pray that when he returns to freedom clean and sober that he stays clean and sober. Pray that God give him the will to give up the drugs. I know that if Josh chooses a sober life it will be a hard road for him, but I know my brother and I know God, and knowing that Josh can do anything he puts his heart into and knowing that God will be there all the way, I know with all my heart the addiction will be defeated. So please help me pray for all the sisters, mothers, fathers, brothers, family and friends of addicts, for the addicts themselves, those whose life is no longer their own. Pray for our broken world.

I know I don't ask for much ;oP, but I believe that God answers prayers, so please help me the sister of one of Gods lost sheep.

Robbie Seay Band Sings for Zoe

I really wanted to attend this event, regretfully I couldn't make it. But tonight at 8:00pm ( our time) Josh Pope opens for Robbie Seay in Brookfield , Wisconsin with hopes to raise money to help with medical bills and expenses that the Batiansila family will face. I don't know any of the Batiansila's personally, but through their blog, ( http://www.batiansila.blogspot.com/ ) I learned of their faith as children of God so in a way they are a part of our family, the family of God. So please say a prayer for them tonight as they all gather together to celebrate and give thanks for the precious gift God gave them, a lil girl named Zoe.

Yipee

Lets remember our soldiers today as we pray.

Its nice to live in a world where we are free to choose how to spend our day. I chose to spend my day with my family. My wonderful son, my husband and my parents. We had a BBQ and went to see the fireworks. It was nice to have a laid back afternoon. I really enjoyed the time with the ones I love.

Austin looked at me in the mist of the smoke, and said, "ah the wonderful smell of the fourth of July. " he takes a breath and starts to cough, " excuse me mom the smoke got me choked up for a moment". Its these moments when I remember why I am here on this earth. I am so lucky to be his mom.

Hope you enjoyed your 4th.

Are you out there? Hello?

...I wonder.

My day has been so crazy. I feel so alone. I think of all that is going on around me, and as if in a scene of some movie I can see everything pass in a blur, I hear voices but can't make out what is being said. I pray and my prayer echoes in my head as if I alone can hear it. God help me, let me hear your voice, let me feel your presence, let me know I am not alone. *echo*. And nothing. I know he is out there, I have felt him before, and my mere existence is proof of him being "out there", somewhere. I would have left this broken world long ago had it not been for his love and willingness to allow me a second chance. I need to feel his arms around me, I need his comfort.

"Word Of God Speak"

Mercy Me

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

ZOE:LIFE

Today I want to share something with you that really touched my heart. A few months back I ran across a blog ( http://batiansila.blogspot.com/ ), I love to read of real life of struggles and being able to overcome, I love learning of others faith and of hope. This blog was about a family having child, (the eighth, I would realize later.) She was to be named Zoe. Her parents wrote in the blog of the heart defect that had been discovered, but there was hope that when Zoe was around 6 months she could have the surgery to correct the defect. The faith and hope spoke of in this blog intrigued me. I loved reading of how much faith they had in God. I admired the courage and seemingly unfailing strength. In a live blog about the birth of Zoe, I learned that she was born not breathing, but was revived only to stop breathing again later and being revived once more. Days later I read of lil Zoes diagnosis, she has Trisomy 18, the blog read:

"Yesterday I was called to run back to the hospital and meet with a doctor. He had bad news.

He told us that Zoe has trisomy 18.

30% of children with trisomy 18 will die in their first month.

70% die by their sixth month.

Those who live on don't do well.

Some will make it to their teens with severe neurological disease. I'm not going to lie, it's 2:50 AM and it's the first time I've had a chance to get to a computer since all of everything. I didn't read the link up there, and I don't blame you for not wanting to. This is grim stuff.

Grim stuff when you meet with the head of the NICU to discuss a Do Not Resuscitate for your 3-day-old girl. Grim when they tell you their recommendations for a DNR.

I went to tell Zoe's biggest brother and sisters about Zoe. And as they wept, I asked them what they believe. What do you believe? Do you believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life? That this baby is His? That she's going home? If you believe, we can deal with the agony of letting go. This world, take it from me, is a brawl with sin and the devil. He gets some rounds. But thanks to God that the fight is won through Jesus.

It was the devil who invented the word "corny." It is his hope we avoid saying simple truths because we're so scared of being "corny." But right now, it's the simple truths that work. There are no complex answers.

My heart breaks for those whose hearts are broken: Jen, who struggles to lift her head, but is determined to give her daughter all the love she can in however many days she has left; my 3 big kids who have surpassed any measure of bravery and love and courage and faith. Little Ethan who keeps asking when he's going to get to meet Zoe.

You all out there have surpassed any measure of nobility and friendship. I am so grateful for your thoughts and prayers.

So Jenny is holding her girl as this doc is breaking the news, and he tells us he's sorry and he leaves. And for some reason, the song I used to sing for other people is in my head, so i sang it through tears. Because i'm the other people..."

My heart was shattered. I share this to share with you God's never ending blessings for those who have faith and believe.

In many of the post I read on this blog they spoke of the Robbie Seay Band it was through this blog I was introduced to his music. And with all that has come about with Zoe, the Batiansila's need a lil extra help, with doctor bills they already have and those to come. And as always when those who have faith and believe in him, God sends his blessings down to help carry his own up the mountain they are climbing. Through friends of the family and co-workers there has been a benefit concert set up for July 8th and Robbie Seay will be there to sing for Zoe. To raise money to help with the struggles that the family encounters daily.





Ticket information, from the Batiansila Blog....
" What: Robbie Seay Concert to benefit the Zoe Means Life Foundation
When: Tuesday July 8 @ 7:00 PM
Where: Brookfield Lutheran Church
How: Buy tix @ www.zoemeanslifefor.us
Tickets are only available online.
To order:
Go to www.zoemeanslifefor.us.com
Provide the requested information. Tickets cost $20 a person. You can pay with a check or credit card.
We will send you a link to a page that will have your ticket. Print that page and bring it to the concert. You will not be admitted into the concert without your ticket.
If you have any questions, please contact us at tickets@zoemeanslifefor.us . "

Now I know many of you that read my blog are not able to make a concert in Wisconsin. But there are so many other ways you can help, there is a link to Zoe Means Life Foundation on the Batiansila blog, make a donation to help the family and this very beautiful little girl. PRAY. Pray for Zoe and her parents and her other brothers and sisters. Check out the blog and allow your heart to be touched as mine was.

So please whatever you may do, donate, drive to Wisconsin with me, or just pray for the life of Zoe and her parents and family, I know that they would be so thankful, as will I.

I love you all.

Pray please that the concert is a success, for Zoe, the Batiansila's and for the honor of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

drink up

Today the skies opened up and the rain poured down. The grass, trees and plants around my home drank up the gift from heaven. Thank you Lord for the refreshing rain.

Bring on the rain

We need the rain, its so dry here. Dust stirs on the road as cars pass. The grass no longer has its beautiful green hue, its thirsty. The air is thick with humidity. We need rain.

Thunder rolls shaking the windows. But where is the rain? Oh there is a bit of a drizzle but we need a drenching. We need the rain to fall from heaven and wash away all the "yuk". Rain Rain come our way, help to wash the filth away. :O)

Today has been a hard day to just breathe. And the darkness of the day seems to suit the way I feel inside. I feel gloomy, I need the rain to hide my tears. God I know you hear my prayers, please send some rain.

Rest Peaceful Suzy

Today is a year since she left us. Her memory will live on in my heart forever. Her face and voice are so vivid. Her laugh is stuck inside my head. I miss her.

I miss you Heather, I miss you so much. But I know you are in the arms of God. I will see you again.

This is a song Reba put out years ago, these are words from my own heart...

If I had Only Known

If I had only known It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known It was our last walk in the rain
If I had only known I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only know I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed That you would always be there
But then there came a day And I turned my head
and you slipped away

If I had only known It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you knew my love For you
goes on and on
If I had only known If I had only known
The love I would've shown If
I had only known

I miss you SUZY Q

this child of mine.

Ok so as I think I mentioned in my profile I am a mom of a 8 year old lil boy who has ADHD. He is my everything. I am so glad that he is out of school right now, it helps me make it through some of the hard days and he and I can spend time with one another. I love summer time for that reason alone.

So about the ADHD, we, that being the doctors and myself, have tried several different treatments. I don't like having to medicate my lil boy, but honestly I fear for his safety. I have pulled him from trees and had him nearly ran over TWICE because his mind is always in over drive, his poor lil body is always on the go. He can't sit still in school he has to be moving at all times and this is him on medication. He does ok, and I had him on Adderall XR but it just wasn't working, and because of sports and church activities we are continuing the meds over summer break, with one exception, he is now on a patch, its called Daytrana its a lil sticky patch he wears on his hip for 5- 6 hours, he can wear it up to 9 but I prefer he just wear it for 5- 6 hours this summer. The effect last 3 hours after the patch is removed. Now this is a tricky thing, most parents feel giving your child medication is ridiculous, I know I did. I said NEVER. Then my son was diagnosed with ADHD. He became impossible to control. Not mean just unable to keep him out of danger, he burned his hand 5 times on a light bulb, it was so cool to him to be able to "touch the sun". mind u he was 3. I told him each time it was not the sun, but his mind couldn't slow down long enough to absorb the information, he did this when I was cooking or when he was with his grandparents. Needless to say we had no lamps that could be within reach of him after the 2nd time at our home but when we would visit other places he would always seem to find the "sun". He would climb to the highest place in the house and would jump, if it hurt him he would cry and bit and try again. Pain was not a deterrent. I feared for him, so I allowed him to be put on Adderall at 4 years old when he was getting ready to start school. It didn't do much to slow him down but it helped enough to allow him to learn and that was my main goal. Keeping him from danger and for him to be able to sit still long enough to learn. One day in the middle of the year I forgot to give Austin his medication. I was called into school, his teacher looked as if she could kill me. I hadn't realized my mistake, I had been ill that day. But she informed me Austin would have to go home early , and asked had they taken him off his ADHD medication, I said no, and it hit me, I forgot! She said she knew something was wrong that he had rolled around in the floor and been unable to sit still he had ran his lil legs off all day and I needed to take him home before she had a nervous breakdown. I took him home. But never forgot his meds again during the school year. I don't know why I wanted to share this, maybe someone out there is going through some of the everyday things with their child with ADHD that I am, who knows, but I just thought I would share. If you have any advice please feel free to help me. :o)

explain it to me, so i understand

Today I have a lot on my mind, as always. I was talking to a friend who pointed out that I always say, "I just don't understand" . I have so many things that bother me. Things beyond my comprehension. Maybe you can help me to understand, so please if you have any insight to the following feel free to let me know.

~I don't understand why Heather had to die almost a year ago leaving her two young daughters without their momma.

~I don't understand why babies are born only to die from a extra chromosome God fashioned on their DNA.

~I don't understand how we can love with all our hearts, give all we have to another and they can look at you and say your all just wasn't enough. And walk away without looking back.

~I don't understand how a couple can try so hard to have a child, they have so much love to give and they never conceive yet there are babies out there who need to be loved but are neglected.

~I don't understand why we turn ourselves inside out to please those whom never acknowledge our hard work.

~I don't understand how when we are in a difficult place in our lives, that people tend to forget us after a day or so, I mean does the need for love, support and compassion run out when the casserole is gone? Does the grief and pain end with a full stomach? or do we need up lifting daily?

~I don't understand how when a person we love is in need of truth we tend to want to cushion the blow and sometimes veer away from honesty. When what they truly need is to know the truth.

I found this song that says it much more beautifully than I could ever,

Just a few questions I have
Clay Walker
(Ray Scott/Phillip Moore/Adam Wheeler)

How in this world can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need for a place like St Jude's?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
An' a guy like me,
Has always been free.

An' how can two people who built a lovin' home,
Try for years an' never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holdin' tight:
In need of love.To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

An' why did my cousin have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only twenty two, I still wonder 'bout that.
It seems unfair to me,
Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
An' some don't.
But what do I know?

I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like you hear these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,
Can you see the good through all the bad?
These are just a few questions I have.

Finding it hard to breathe.

Ok so its just after midnight and I can't breathe. I feel the walls starting to close in on me. Loneliness consumes the night. I am alone. I don't do well alone. I question so much when I have time on my hands. My friend who usually keeps me sane and far from these silly thoughts is with his family tonight celebrating his daughters Birthday. How wonderful! We all need to celebrate each day. I have so many things to be thankful for why do I allow the things that hurt me engulf my every thought? I am such a fool for allowing such misery into my life. I allow it! I am a dork. That is what my friend reminds me of each day ;oP.

I am trying so hard to move through each day with positivity, and for a pessimist that is extremely difficult. I have been told to breathe and believe, believe that God is handling everything. That if I just put my faith in him and believe he WILL carry me through. I may not get the answers I want but God will answer my prayers. I need a car that uses less gas, I want a Mustang, that would be my dream car, but God may allow for me to have a Fusion, (they are easier on gas anyway) but he will have given me a car that is easier on gas than the SUV I drive today. He may not give me my every want, but he supplies my every need. If I just breathe and believe that he hears my prayers and he sees this place, this dark place that I have found myself in then maybe just maybe he will carry me from the darkness back into the light and help me to see the new day, a better day he has chosen for me.

Better Days

Robbie Seay Band

First of all thanks for listening to our song
We hope this finds you driving in your car or where ever you are
breathe out and breath again know that life is hard,
but its worth breathing, listen to me now for love, oh love,
It's waiting for you just to say

Chorus:

here come better days
here come better days
better days, and a better place I know.

Secondly I'm all messed up so royally
I stumbled my way here,
but wait, oh wait grace has found me
shaken up my soul,
grace will follow wherever you will go,
listen to me now grace, oh grace,
is calling for you just to say

here come better days
here come better days,
better days, and a better place I know.

Green grass and I'm laying in the sunlight of you,
the wind is moving through the trees ushering you,
and the better days you bring, the better places found,
feasting at your table I'm overwhelmed,
and I lift my glass drink to love never gave up,
clouds pass fading into memories gone,
and all I know for life is life and love and peace,
what else could there be?

here come better days,
oh here come better days,
better days, and a better place I know

Some days your the windshield, some days your the bug.

Today I am the bug. Just moving along through my day and SMACK! The sun fades behind the clouds, and from nowhere the rain starts to pour down. Life.

I guess I need to tell you a bit about my past year so that maybe you understand where the rain came from. On June 26th of 2007 I lost my dearest friend in a car accident. She was a great person. I miss her so much. Here is a part of my Blog I wrote a few days after her death,

I have never felt pain so deep...

I sat down at this computer several times in the past 3 days trying to make sense of the tragedy that occurred Tuesday morning around 4:00 am. My friend Heather was killed in a car crash. She leaves behind 2 beautiful lil girls. " God how can things like this happen?" I ask. But all I hear is the rumble of thunder. No answers. "WHY?" is a question I repeat over and over daily. I read the wonderful things that are written about her, all so TRUE. She was funny and beautiful, giving and kind hearted, she loved her babies. WHY? God I just don't understand. How can this be true? I remember we became friends in 4th grade. She was skinny lil Heather with long beautiful blonde hair, she was wild and goofy and here I was I was shy and hated attention, but Heather she captured your attention. We were polar opposites. GOD! I MISS HER. I guess we became "bestest" friends (That's how she signed her letters,"your bestest friend, Heather" ) long about the 6th grade. By 8th grade we were close as sisters. If I ever had a friend, a true friend it was Heather. Now don't get me wrong, we fought and had our disagreements, but that is the way it is with "sisters" or what we were then, "bestest friends". I can't say ( though I wish I could ) that we remained close. Heather married, (my cousin of all people) and when you marry, friends sometimes drift apart, as did we. But I was lucky; now Suzy was FAMILY.

Freshman year came Missy, God we done some damage. LOL Missy was the goofy, outgoing, fun one who was the ring leader of the chaos, Heather was the wild one, the one with the lampshade on her head, dancing on the tables and I was the one pulling Suzy from the tables and Missy up off the floor where she was laughing so hard. Yeah I was the "responsible" one as Missy called me the other day. We had so much fun. God I miss those days. I miss Heather. I miss Missy. I wish we could go back to those days one more time. I hate that I took them for granted.

Heather was, I hate that word, was it should be is, Heather is. She was a great mom. Her girls love her. They adored her and she adored them. I hurt for them. I want her back for Randi and Lou. Her girls need her. I want my friend back, I want to tell all the things I never did. I want her to know that she was loved. I never told her I admired her courage, she had more guts than anyone I know. I wish I would have told her so many things... But now its too late


Today my heart broke as I woke from a deep sleep with her on my mind. I can't seem to move through this day with out reminders of her. I have been doing ok. After her passing I slipped into a deep depression. I myself wanted to die. Not because she was gone, but because so much had changed. I lost so much that day and to think of what her girls had lost, broke me. I was broken. I let everything around me fall to pieces, including my marriage. My husband left in January and I again fell apart, I needed my friend more than ever and she was gone. I knew that if she were here she would have helped me to make it through. But somewhere along the way, I realized if I could have just a lil of the strength that she found, I could make it. I could hear her voice saying come on Mariea, you deserve to be happy, get off you tail and move on! And somewhere between then and now I found that strength. John and I decided 2 weeks ago to give it a try and get back together, I took him back and we are trying. I love him so much. And today when I woke up on our 10th anniversary, I thought of her and how even after she was gone and I thought I couldn't make it through life without her, she helped me make it through the hardest time of my life. And maybe its true those who are loved never really die, they live on in our hearts. So bring on the tears of sadness and joy, bring on the rain. I will make it through another day.

Another Year.

Today is mine and John's 10th Wedding Anniversary. 10 years ago I married the love of my life. My Knight in shining Armor, though from time to time, I must admit I have thought that rather than a Knight in shining armor he is more like a Jerk in aluminum foil, but he is the love of my life and I am so proud to share my life with him.

This has been the worst year we have encountered thus far, we have been through a number of ups and downs yet somehow we found our way back to each other. I am hoping that this is a new start for us. Some don't get the chance to give things another try but somehow God allowed for us to be able to do just that. I hope we don't make him regret it ;).

Today's joy is shared with my mother, she turns 47 today. She is my rock when things are shaky, my safe place when I am scared, my shoulder when i need to cry. I love her. I am so proud to be her daughter.

Happy Birthday Momma.

On the flipside of a sunny day.

Hello. This is my first post, I will admit that I am nervous as I type. I don't know where to start. I am a 29 year old mother of a little boy whom I adore, his name is JonAustin. You may often hear me refer to him as Boo. He is my life, my everything. I am trying at the moment to put life back together. In the past year I have lost and found so much. My journey has barely begun. Through pain and loss I have found strength I never knew I had. I have endured and overcome many trails and much heartache. In the mist of all these things , I saw GOD. I saw his mercy, his understanding, and his love.

Now I say I saw God, allow me to explain. I did not see him face to face, not in a dream, or a vision. I saw God through the lives of others. Through a hug, a kind word, a phone call, a childs eyes. If take the time to slow down and look, you can see God, for his love is everywhere.