Today I am the bug. Just moving along through my day and SMACK! The sun fades behind the clouds, and from nowhere the rain starts to pour down. Life.
I guess I need to tell you a bit about my past year so that maybe you understand where the rain came from. On June 26th of 2007 I lost my dearest friend in a car accident. She was a great person. I miss her so much. Here is a part of my Blog I wrote a few days after her death,
I have never felt pain so deep...
I sat down at this computer several times in the past 3 days trying to make sense of the tragedy that occurred Tuesday morning around 4:00 am. My friend Heather was killed in a car crash. She leaves behind 2 beautiful lil girls. " God how can things like this happen?" I ask. But all I hear is the rumble of thunder. No answers. "WHY?" is a question I repeat over and over daily. I read the wonderful things that are written about her, all so TRUE. She was funny and beautiful, giving and kind hearted, she loved her babies. WHY? God I just don't understand. How can this be true? I remember we became friends in 4th grade. She was skinny lil Heather with long beautiful blonde hair, she was wild and goofy and here I was I was shy and hated attention, but Heather she captured your attention. We were polar opposites. GOD! I MISS HER. I guess we became "bestest" friends (That's how she signed her letters,"your bestest friend, Heather" ) long about the 6th grade. By 8th grade we were close as sisters. If I ever had a friend, a true friend it was Heather. Now don't get me wrong, we fought and had our disagreements, but that is the way it is with "sisters" or what we were then, "bestest friends". I can't say ( though I wish I could ) that we remained close. Heather married, (my cousin of all people) and when you marry, friends sometimes drift apart, as did we. But I was lucky; now Suzy was FAMILY.
Freshman year came Missy, God we done some damage. LOL Missy was the goofy, outgoing, fun one who was the ring leader of the chaos, Heather was the wild one, the one with the lampshade on her head, dancing on the tables and I was the one pulling Suzy from the tables and Missy up off the floor where she was laughing so hard. Yeah I was the "responsible" one as Missy called me the other day. We had so much fun. God I miss those days. I miss Heather. I miss Missy. I wish we could go back to those days one more time. I hate that I took them for granted.
Heather was, I hate that word, was it should be is, Heather is. She was a great mom. Her girls love her. They adored her and she adored them. I hurt for them. I want her back for Randi and Lou. Her girls need her. I want my friend back, I want to tell all the things I never did. I want her to know that she was loved. I never told her I admired her courage, she had more guts than anyone I know. I wish I would have told her so many things... But now its too late
Today my heart broke as I woke from a deep sleep with her on my mind. I can't seem to move through this day with out reminders of her. I have been doing ok. After her passing I slipped into a deep depression. I myself wanted to die. Not because she was gone, but because so much had changed. I lost so much that day and to think of what her girls had lost, broke me. I was broken. I let everything around me fall to pieces, including my marriage. My husband left in January and I again fell apart, I needed my friend more than ever and she was gone. I knew that if she were here she would have helped me to make it through. But somewhere along the way, I realized if I could have just a lil of the strength that she found, I could make it. I could hear her voice saying come on Mariea, you deserve to be happy, get off you tail and move on! And somewhere between then and now I found that strength. John and I decided 2 weeks ago to give it a try and get back together, I took him back and we are trying. I love him so much. And today when I woke up on our 10th anniversary, I thought of her and how even after she was gone and I thought I couldn't make it through life without her, she helped me make it through the hardest time of my life. And maybe its true those who are loved never really die, they live on in our hearts. So bring on the tears of sadness and joy, bring on the rain. I will make it through another day.
I guess I need to tell you a bit about my past year so that maybe you understand where the rain came from. On June 26th of 2007 I lost my dearest friend in a car accident. She was a great person. I miss her so much. Here is a part of my Blog I wrote a few days after her death,
I have never felt pain so deep...
I sat down at this computer several times in the past 3 days trying to make sense of the tragedy that occurred Tuesday morning around 4:00 am. My friend Heather was killed in a car crash. She leaves behind 2 beautiful lil girls. " God how can things like this happen?" I ask. But all I hear is the rumble of thunder. No answers. "WHY?" is a question I repeat over and over daily. I read the wonderful things that are written about her, all so TRUE. She was funny and beautiful, giving and kind hearted, she loved her babies. WHY? God I just don't understand. How can this be true? I remember we became friends in 4th grade. She was skinny lil Heather with long beautiful blonde hair, she was wild and goofy and here I was I was shy and hated attention, but Heather she captured your attention. We were polar opposites. GOD! I MISS HER. I guess we became "bestest" friends (That's how she signed her letters,"your bestest friend, Heather" ) long about the 6th grade. By 8th grade we were close as sisters. If I ever had a friend, a true friend it was Heather. Now don't get me wrong, we fought and had our disagreements, but that is the way it is with "sisters" or what we were then, "bestest friends". I can't say ( though I wish I could ) that we remained close. Heather married, (my cousin of all people) and when you marry, friends sometimes drift apart, as did we. But I was lucky; now Suzy was FAMILY.
Freshman year came Missy, God we done some damage. LOL Missy was the goofy, outgoing, fun one who was the ring leader of the chaos, Heather was the wild one, the one with the lampshade on her head, dancing on the tables and I was the one pulling Suzy from the tables and Missy up off the floor where she was laughing so hard. Yeah I was the "responsible" one as Missy called me the other day. We had so much fun. God I miss those days. I miss Heather. I miss Missy. I wish we could go back to those days one more time. I hate that I took them for granted.
Heather was, I hate that word, was it should be is, Heather is. She was a great mom. Her girls love her. They adored her and she adored them. I hurt for them. I want her back for Randi and Lou. Her girls need her. I want my friend back, I want to tell all the things I never did. I want her to know that she was loved. I never told her I admired her courage, she had more guts than anyone I know. I wish I would have told her so many things... But now its too late
Today my heart broke as I woke from a deep sleep with her on my mind. I can't seem to move through this day with out reminders of her. I have been doing ok. After her passing I slipped into a deep depression. I myself wanted to die. Not because she was gone, but because so much had changed. I lost so much that day and to think of what her girls had lost, broke me. I was broken. I let everything around me fall to pieces, including my marriage. My husband left in January and I again fell apart, I needed my friend more than ever and she was gone. I knew that if she were here she would have helped me to make it through. But somewhere along the way, I realized if I could have just a lil of the strength that she found, I could make it. I could hear her voice saying come on Mariea, you deserve to be happy, get off you tail and move on! And somewhere between then and now I found that strength. John and I decided 2 weeks ago to give it a try and get back together, I took him back and we are trying. I love him so much. And today when I woke up on our 10th anniversary, I thought of her and how even after she was gone and I thought I couldn't make it through life without her, she helped me make it through the hardest time of my life. And maybe its true those who are loved never really die, they live on in our hearts. So bring on the tears of sadness and joy, bring on the rain. I will make it through another day.
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