Rain, rain go away!

I know that at one point last year I was praying for rain...I know that God heard my prayers because he soon sent us a refreshing, much needed rain. Now I sit here with another prayer. I pray for him to please let up on the rain. I haven't built my "ark" yet! And the way it looks I may need one! Its rained so hard for the past week. Our yard is swampy and the creek continues to rise. I am worried. There is a HUGE tree that is adjacent to our house, I fear that the ground being so saturated may cause this tall, tall tree to tumble. =(

Dear Lord,
I am not sure you have the time of day to read blogs. But if you do and you happen across this one, would you please tell your angels they can pour out the rain on south Texas or maybe even north west Wisconsin. They need it and us folks in east Tennessee are well saturated. =) Just in case you don't get to this blog I intend to have a talk with you soon.

Sincerely,
Your Beautifully Broken Child
ML

We are lucky...

Hi y'all. Its been a long day. I have been sick on the couch for most of this dreary Sunday, or at least it felt like a dreary Sunday to me. I hope you fared better than I did.

Anyway, last night as I lay beside my Lil boy as he tried to go to sleep he was in a talking mood. I love those but please don't let him know, I will never get him to sleep again :). He was talking about his Papaw(my daddy). He was talking about how he loved him so much and how he was glad that he could spend time with him. He said to me mom, I miss my Nana. I took a deep breath and I said I miss her too. He said he missed the way he could hug her and that her hugs were the best. He is right her hugs had a healing power all their own. I long to feel her arms tight around me. He said to me , mom I miss her kisses when I get hurt and I miss talking to her when I am mad or hurt. I thought to myself, me too. I searched deep inside trying to know what to say to comfort him and maybe myself as well. And from somewhere, I could hear her voice in my head and she whispered I am still here, I am in your heart, and even though you cant see me, you cant touch me, you can feel me, you can feel my love. So I told him, she is still with us, and if we listen close enough that we can hear her whisper I love you in our ear every night before we drift off to sleep. That she has not left us, she is watching over us and that she is waiting for us. And he said mom, I love her too and you know what, we are lucky Nana is our Guardian Angel. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, yes baby we are...

I lay there hoping to hear her voice again and thought of how much I needed her to hug me right now. But in my heart I know that momma is in the arms of Jesus, and I believe that as I lay down last night and drifted off to dream, she whispered in my ear, I love you.

Wow...

Did you know I am a HUGE VOL fan? I love VOLS football! Just in case you had no clue, now you know. I love fall, I love cold weather,I love football and I LOVE my VOLS! Its been a bumpy few years, but regardless I bleed orange ;). And today we saw a great game for the team. Tennessee beat Georgia 45-19, it is a big SEC win. I am so excited. I think its the first time I have actually felt, (for lack of a better word) bubbly :) in a very long time. I am sorry to be gushing here but I am happy & I thought I would share it with you. Go VOLS! Way to go!

*Update on the crazy lady ;-)

I am hanging in there. Its been a much better week. John and I have been doing some work on the house. We put down wood flooring in our living room and we are working on our kitchen now. Its keeping me busy and that helps. I am also working for our school system as a substitute and I am planning to take a test to qualify me to be a teachers aid. Its a full time position, which would both help financially and help me with moving from day to day. Thanks for the encouragement and prayers they are appreciated! I love yall.

Lost

I am struggling with so many losses. My mom being the hardest. Loss of a dear friend being right up there too. I am so deep in a dark place. I scream and claw trying to get out, but I fail. So I have agreed to get help. Grief counseling is a good idea for me I guess. I know that the anger that is burning deep inside, not good, the hurt that defines me, not good, the fear that paralyzes me, not good. So I guess help to heal my heart cant be bad. Feeling more than hurt and anger cant be bad. So its help for me. I hate to admit I cant do this on my own. But I cant. And I hope that when I am back to being the better part of me, I can share the with you who I am. And where I have been. I pray that I can be forgiven for my doubt. And that I can truly love with all I am once more. Please help me pray.

This is a poem I wrote its from this place I have found myself at this moment.


darkness sneaking in
no light to be seen
covered up with sin
only his blood can wash me clean
heartache and guilt consume
i pray for a way out
locked up in depressions tomb
filled with anger and doubt
fighting with what i know
trying to comprehend
i just cant seem to let it go
the darkness & pain may never end
i breathe out and in again
eyes open wide
in need of Christ my friend
but yet i seem to hide
stuck in this broken shell
who i am is lost
living in this daily hell
my only hope left in the cross