Life doesn't stop...

Sigh. It has been forever since I sat here at this computer to write in this blog. So much "life" has happened. So much that I don't have a clue as to where to begin.

I guess I should start with I am still grieving the loss of my Momma. Seems I need her more and more everyday. I am almost certain this will never change. I am learning to cope. Or pretending to be learning to cope.

John has a new job. One that he enjoys and that has given him many opportunities which is a blessing. He is a great provider and a wonderful dad. I am blessed that he is mine. :)

Austin is struggling with his ADHD. He had his first low grade in reading... EVER. It is his last class of the day and we are thinking that has a ton to do with it. Reading is his favorite subject. And last year his last class was math and you guessed it, he struggled in math, but this year he is doing much better in Math and it is his 1st class of the day. So we have adjusted somethings and are hoping that it helps. I will let you know...

January was a scary time for me. There was a ton of blood issues. They were throwing around big words like Leukemia. Scary words. Leukemia as an adult is harder to treat, and could be a death sentence for me. The Oncologist was concerned. There was no way to explain what was happening with my cells, they ran a test and he informed me that if I wasn't making cells that could be treated, if I was making them and just losing them that would be great, but if I were making and busting up cells then we were looking at some form of the "L" word. When They called with the results I was devastated. I was making cells, lots of them. But that my body was busting them up. He needed to do more test to find my options. SCARY. But in February we learned that we were expecting a baby. John and I were happy but reserved as I had already been through 3 previous losses. And with the blood issues it was most likely not going to make it, but I made it to my 8th week which was a good sign so we thought. At 10 weeks I had a little spotting and went in to be checked and there was no heartbeat. Later we discovered that the baby was a lil boy and that they had no reasoning for the the loss. That chromosomally he was perfect. We named him Ian Andrew, he was due yesterday and I wish with all my heart I could have held him in my arms but I will hold him in my heart forever. During this time my oncologist was certain that the issues were from the pregnancy. But I was still to be watched carefully...

June came with another big surprise, one that I never would have expected. We were pregnant again! I was terrified to think I may get to hold this baby. I am a very high risk pregnancy with the blood issues and seizures as well as being a diabetic, the severe chronic anemia and having RA. I wasn't sure that I would be able to sustain a pregnancy. But God had other plans. I am almost 20 weeks which is the half way mark and this too is a lil boy. We plan to name him Liam Nathaniel. He is a blessing. I am still dealing with lots of issues and not doing too good. But God is seeing me through. I am struggling with severe depression and trying hard to handle it without medical intervention. I am hoping that I can do it. But I have to remember I am not alone. I have God. He is my refuge and my strength, and very present help in times of trouble.

I continue to try to breathe in and out and again. Hoping for better days.

Just thinking...

Some days I just sit here staring at this monitor wanting to write something meaningful. Something that may somehow touch someone, make them laugh or just smile. Most the stuff I write is sad though. Seems sad is where I have been for a while. Maybe I want to read something that will make me laugh or even smile. Who knows. Hee. I am a mess. Yes a HUGE mess. But I woke up today breathing the air God has supplied. :) So I guess I am gonna do the best I can with this mess that I alone have allowed to follow me.

Blessed

Mercy. I thank God for his Mercy. How blessed am I just to be able to sit here and write in this blog? Gods mercy and love is amazing. Though I am a failure nothing but flesh, he loves me. Though I stumble my way though each day struggling with my faith, with the ordinary everyday stuff, he loves me. Some days my grief is overwhelming to the extent that I cant breathe. I have a very good friend who will remind me to breathe and believe, believe that God knows what He is doing, that He is in control & everything will work for the good for those who love the Lord. Some days I want to smack him, my friend not God :o) but I know he is right. I am thankful for Gods graces. He is a patient God who loves us regardless of our idiocy. As a human I find forgiveness sometimes the hardest thing to do. When someone hurts me, as a human it can be hard to forgive. But our Savior doesn't hesitate to forgive us. After all He sent His son to die for that forgiveness. Could you do that? I know that I would not be able to do that. But He loved us so much that He did.

I don't know why I got on this track today. I guess it was to remind myself of what a WONDERFUL SAVIOR I have. Thank you Lord for Your blessings, Your mercy, Your love and Your forgiveness, for sending Your son to die for me, a failure, a mess of a human, a broken child of Yours. Thank You for loving me.

Her Love

The other night I sat on my front porch swing with my nieces Brylie, 2 and Kyley, 1. Both were sleepy wanting to sleep but not wanting to. :) I held the youngest close to my chest and Brylie lay next to me with her head resting on my leg. Whiny lil girls. I swung back and forth and I sang to them, "Amazing Grace" and "I'll Fly Away", two of my favorite Hymns from Sunday mornings growing up. Soon the whining had ceased and there was quiet.

It had slowly gotten dark and I hadn't even noticed up until that point. In the quiet as I held these two lil girls in my arms my thoughts turned to my Momma. Mothers Day was close and I had tried not to even think about her not being here to celebrate it with me. But I couldn't escape it. I thought of the day that I became a mother. I had almost lost both my life and the life of my son that day. It was a very hard day for me and Momma held my hand through it all. After 28 hours of labor and a near death experience the doctors decided to take him by Cesarean section. Mom was determined to be at my side. She was. Because of seizures I had been in and out of it that whole day. I remember very little. I do remember that when I opened my eyes my Momma was holding this tiny little blanket that was wrapped tightly around this lil baby boy and she was crying. She looked at me and said "look at our baby, hes our lil angel, hes beautiful. " She was right, he was he had big eyes and hands, and his Nana's smile. He was our angel.

The day that I had became a Mom to that lil angel my Momma was at my side. How could I face Mothers Day without the woman who was responsible for me being who I am; the lady, the sister, the wife & the mom all of which I learned from her? At that moment I began to cry. I just couldn't do it. And it seemed as if I could hear her say, "Sissy,I love you and I am so proud of you." Something I had heard her say several times. She never failed to say she was proud and she loved me. I felt her at that moment. I could feel the love she had shown me while she lived. I could feel her. I knew at that moment she was with me always. Though her life on this earth had ended her love would endure forever. And it would be that love that would help me face each day, even Mothers Day. And thankfully it did. And it helps me as I sat here and write this blog. Her smile is burned into my mind and her love into my heart, forever. I am Blessed to have been her daughter. I miss her. But I know she is forever in my heart and today she is at the feet of Jesus and watching over me and "our baby, our angel".

Blessing in my curse...

Time is moving by so fast. Life happens, we push through or at least we try. Some days are harder then others. "Breathe out and in again, know that life is hard but its worth the breathing..." I sing this to myself almost every day. (RSB, thank you! ) I know its been 2 months since I sat down and actually finished a blog, :), Life. In a blink of an eye everything changes.

March 29 John came by the school to tell me he had been laid off from his job. Life, scary situation. I was told later that week that the full time position I had been promised in January and been waiting on being able to fill would not start until this fall. Life, big disappointment. On my nieces 2nd birthday John was doing some work at home and a staple went through his eye, we spent 5 days in UT hospital 1 emergency surgery and another to correct damage and NO insurance. Life, devastating.

My dear friend Jules told me to look for the "blessing in the curse". Blessing in the curse! Shes crazy right? Where is the Blessing in John losing his job or having a staple go through his eye or my Job being cut because of budgets or whatever? So I thought about it. John being home has allowed he and I to somewhat mend our relationship and he and our son have been able to form a bond that had been broken for a while. Blessing! :) Though the staple pierced Johns cornea, iris, pupil and lens and the damage appeared to have caused him to be blind in his right eye, Dr Harris and the "Eye Team" that was flown in were able to save his eye and restore his vision. BLESSING! :) While John was in the hospital we were able to meet some really great people. Dr Harris was wonderful and even though we have no insurance the hospital has worked with us, helped us get the medicine that John needed and even paid for Cobra so that he would only need to pay a percentage of his stay in the hospital, Blessing! :) So maybe there is a silver lining. Try Jules' advice, find your blessing in your curse or your situation.

I did and I realized I am BLESSED.

My Son

John and I took our son to see Cumberland Falls on our way home from visiting my sister in law in Kentucky. It is one of Gods most beautiful creations. I stood there looking out over the water and my thoughts turned to Heaven. As beautiful as the falls were and as peaceful as I felt at that moment, I knew that in no way could it compare to Heaven. I can only imagine and cannot wait.

He is my refuge, my strength

Its been a long few weeks. It seems that my life is on a crazy, twisted, scary, exciting, emotional roller coaster ride. Now don't get me wrong, I am a thrill seeker. I love roller coasters, but in life I am sick of the sharp turns and sudden falls. I am ready for the climb to the top and I would like to keep my head in the clouds for a while. I need to breathe. But as we all know, after the climb there is usually a fall. Its all life. An exciting, ride that takes you on twist and turns, extremely high highs and deeply low lows. There are unexpected surprises and devastating disappointments. There is love and there is hurt. There is new life and there is loss. Life is a journey. Its a gift. It is by the grace of God that we are given this life to live. God is in control and every twist, every fall, every better day, he is there. Its something I have to try to remember. On days when I feel that I can't gather the strength to get out of bed, its this that I must remember...

Psalms 46
1. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
2. Therefore we will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3. Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.


He is with us. He will carry us through. He is in control. When life has me twisted up, worn down and feeling that I cant go on, He is my refuge, He is my strength. Knowing this, I have no doubt I can make it. Ups, Downs, sharp turns and all.

365 days ago...8 things I need to remember today.

365 days ago Mom was healed, COMPLETELY!!



365 days ago Mom was given a peace like I have never known!



365 days ago Mom was reunited with her mom and dad whom she grieved for and longed to see!



365 days ago Mom was reunited with her sisters and her brother!



365 days ago Mom had her tears wiped away, she will never cry or hurt again!



365 days ago Mom walked on streets of gold for the first time!



365 days ago Mom sang a song not even the angels could sing!



365 Days ago MY MOM MET JESUS!!!





Though my heart aches for her. I am so Happy that she has received her reward. She is now in the arms of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.



Thank you God for my momma. Take care of her til I can be with her again.



Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven my dear Momma! I love you!

Normal

Its been a year today since I last saw my momma, alive. There was a really bad storm and the power was out. Austin was afraid so he wanted to go down Papaw and Nana's. So like always we did. Mom was folding clothes on the couch, dad was trying to light the coil oil lamp and my brother and his girlfriend were off in the back of the house. Jerica was feeding Kyley in the den. Normal. Mom was smoking a cigarette, and I as always was telling her she needed to quit, she was sick and it was taking days off her life. If I had only known. She assured me she wasn't smoking as much and she was doing better. She had been complaining with a stomach ache and had called the doctor, but they had failed to return her call. She had some problems and required a specialist to deal with her stomach issues. She said she may need to go to the ER. I was hesitant. She seemed OK. Was in pain but that was no more than normal. We sat talking for a while. At one point while in the darkness she reached over and tapped dad on the leg, said " babe, wont you put on some wrestling or something, its too quiet in here." Typical mom, caught up in everything she forgot there was no power. She hadn't been sleeping and she was dozing off while talking so I begged her to please go lie down and try to rest try to sleep. Finally she agreed. We got her into bed. My brother for some reason went in to check on her, she was half in and out of the bed. He didn't want to wake her so I went to get her back in the bed. I raised her legs and scooted her back onto her pillow, pulled the covers up and she opened her eyes and looked at me not quite awake, I think I kissed her head and said I love you momma, please rest. I tucked her in and I left. Normal. The storm passed the power was restored. We went home. I talked to her late that night on the phone. One more I love you momma, that's all I was given, one more I love you sissy. The 12th of Feb 2009, there was no more normal. Mom was gone. Mom had found peace. Mom had been given what she had lived her life for. Mom had inherited heaven. And normal forever changed.


Sissys Song
Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me


Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me