Sigh. It has been forever since I sat here at this computer to write in this blog. So much "life" has happened. So much that I don't have a clue as to where to begin.
I guess I should start with I am still grieving the loss of my Momma. Seems I need her more and more everyday. I am almost certain this will never change. I am learning to cope. Or pretending to be learning to cope.
John has a new job. One that he enjoys and that has given him many opportunities which is a blessing. He is a great provider and a wonderful dad. I am blessed that he is mine. :)
Austin is struggling with his ADHD. He had his first low grade in reading... EVER. It is his last class of the day and we are thinking that has a ton to do with it. Reading is his favorite subject. And last year his last class was math and you guessed it, he struggled in math, but this year he is doing much better in Math and it is his 1st class of the day. So we have adjusted somethings and are hoping that it helps. I will let you know...
January was a scary time for me. There was a ton of blood issues. They were throwing around big words like Leukemia. Scary words. Leukemia as an adult is harder to treat, and could be a death sentence for me. The Oncologist was concerned. There was no way to explain what was happening with my cells, they ran a test and he informed me that if I wasn't making cells that could be treated, if I was making them and just losing them that would be great, but if I were making and busting up cells then we were looking at some form of the "L" word. When They called with the results I was devastated. I was making cells, lots of them. But that my body was busting them up. He needed to do more test to find my options. SCARY. But in February we learned that we were expecting a baby. John and I were happy but reserved as I had already been through 3 previous losses. And with the blood issues it was most likely not going to make it, but I made it to my 8th week which was a good sign so we thought. At 10 weeks I had a little spotting and went in to be checked and there was no heartbeat. Later we discovered that the baby was a lil boy and that they had no reasoning for the the loss. That chromosomally he was perfect. We named him Ian Andrew, he was due yesterday and I wish with all my heart I could have held him in my arms but I will hold him in my heart forever. During this time my oncologist was certain that the issues were from the pregnancy. But I was still to be watched carefully...
June came with another big surprise, one that I never would have expected. We were pregnant again! I was terrified to think I may get to hold this baby. I am a very high risk pregnancy with the blood issues and seizures as well as being a diabetic, the severe chronic anemia and having RA. I wasn't sure that I would be able to sustain a pregnancy. But God had other plans. I am almost 20 weeks which is the half way mark and this too is a lil boy. We plan to name him Liam Nathaniel. He is a blessing. I am still dealing with lots of issues and not doing too good. But God is seeing me through. I am struggling with severe depression and trying hard to handle it without medical intervention. I am hoping that I can do it. But I have to remember I am not alone. I have God. He is my refuge and my strength, and very present help in times of trouble.
I continue to try to breathe in and out and again. Hoping for better days.
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