This song is perfect if you get the chance to listen to it please do. It helps my heart. I was so down and thought about listening to some songs on GAC a county station on TV. And this was the 1st video to come on, God had to know I needed to hear it.
here's a link to the video
http://www.cmt.com/videos/alan-jackson/355885/sissys-song.jhtml
Sissy's Song
by Alan Jackson
Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know
why Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times
I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Monday, March 30, 2009
Barely getting by...
So much has changed in the last month and a half. Life truly is fragile. The loss of my momma has taken a huge toll on the entire family. Mom was the thread that held us all together. We all seem to be falling apart.
My son
He has trouble sleeping, cries often and has spurts of pure anger. He lacks interest in many things he use to love, baseball being the most recent in a line of unappealing objects of interest. I try to help him but he just wants to be left alone. And my hearts breaks because I know mom would know what to do. How can I comfort him, I just don't know.
My brother
My brother was in no way good to our mom. His drug dependence and his need for that to be supported always ended in my momma being emotionally abused. And now he resorts to using my mommas death to his advantage. To take from those who have compassion for a young man who just lost his mom so suddenly. He has had some moments of sanity and seen his wrong doing but then he returns to his drug use and his abuse of our fathers love.
My aunts ( mommas sisters )
Anger consumes them. They both have lots of hurt and anger, in the past 9 years they have lost their parents, a brother and 2 sisters . They lost my granny and momma just a year apart. They are hurt deep. Neither live for God, I hope that knowing that the life my momma led, in someway helps them overcome the anger and they can find hope in Gods love...
My Daddy
Oh my, this man is a rock. Solid in most every way but in the past month I have seen him crumble. His heart is broken. He is a mess, much like me. During the 1st week of my mommas unexpected passing I thought my dad was doing great, he has tremendous faith in God and knowing someday he would see mom again gave him comfort, knowing her pain was gone and she would not have to suffer another day in this hell she had on earth was a comfort. But all the faith in the world couldn't keep his heart from aching. His health is not good but the grief has taken its toll. He has resigned his church, I worry for him. He has had such trouble. My brother continually takes advantage of his grief. And this breaks his heart even more. I cant help him. I don't know how...
Me
ML... well Mariea Lynn is a shell of herself. Not really here. Not really feeling much more than the emptiness. I need to help the above people that I love with all my heart, but there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, I am a mess. I have sank into a deep depression. I am lost and I need to hear my mommas voice, feel her hands brush my hair out of my eyes, I need to know she is ok. I just don't know what I need. I want to be able to feel the way people say I should feel, I should be happy she doesn't suffer anymore, and I do but I still want her here with me. I wouldn't bring momma back not to the life that she had, if i could bring her back now in her new body that she was given, the one with no sickness no pain...I don't know I would still be bringing her back to this hell we call earth. Maybe I will wait and go be with her... I just don't know anymore...
I guess what I am trying to say is we are a family that is struggling to stay afloat. In need of Gods mercies. Please help our family pray for guidance and peace. I don't know where else to turn but to the Lord...
My son
He has trouble sleeping, cries often and has spurts of pure anger. He lacks interest in many things he use to love, baseball being the most recent in a line of unappealing objects of interest. I try to help him but he just wants to be left alone. And my hearts breaks because I know mom would know what to do. How can I comfort him, I just don't know.
My brother
My brother was in no way good to our mom. His drug dependence and his need for that to be supported always ended in my momma being emotionally abused. And now he resorts to using my mommas death to his advantage. To take from those who have compassion for a young man who just lost his mom so suddenly. He has had some moments of sanity and seen his wrong doing but then he returns to his drug use and his abuse of our fathers love.
My aunts ( mommas sisters )
Anger consumes them. They both have lots of hurt and anger, in the past 9 years they have lost their parents, a brother and 2 sisters . They lost my granny and momma just a year apart. They are hurt deep. Neither live for God, I hope that knowing that the life my momma led, in someway helps them overcome the anger and they can find hope in Gods love...
My Daddy
Oh my, this man is a rock. Solid in most every way but in the past month I have seen him crumble. His heart is broken. He is a mess, much like me. During the 1st week of my mommas unexpected passing I thought my dad was doing great, he has tremendous faith in God and knowing someday he would see mom again gave him comfort, knowing her pain was gone and she would not have to suffer another day in this hell she had on earth was a comfort. But all the faith in the world couldn't keep his heart from aching. His health is not good but the grief has taken its toll. He has resigned his church, I worry for him. He has had such trouble. My brother continually takes advantage of his grief. And this breaks his heart even more. I cant help him. I don't know how...
Me
ML... well Mariea Lynn is a shell of herself. Not really here. Not really feeling much more than the emptiness. I need to help the above people that I love with all my heart, but there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, I am a mess. I have sank into a deep depression. I am lost and I need to hear my mommas voice, feel her hands brush my hair out of my eyes, I need to know she is ok. I just don't know what I need. I want to be able to feel the way people say I should feel, I should be happy she doesn't suffer anymore, and I do but I still want her here with me. I wouldn't bring momma back not to the life that she had, if i could bring her back now in her new body that she was given, the one with no sickness no pain...I don't know I would still be bringing her back to this hell we call earth. Maybe I will wait and go be with her... I just don't know anymore...
I guess what I am trying to say is we are a family that is struggling to stay afloat. In need of Gods mercies. Please help our family pray for guidance and peace. I don't know where else to turn but to the Lord...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
He misses her so...
My son is having such a hard time with losing his nana, she was the one he ran to when he skinned his knee, or if he had a splinter she could remove it better than me, she had a way with him that was comforting and nurturing not that I dont have that, they just had a close bond. She was the first to hold him when he came into this world 9 years ago. She held him up to me and said, " Sissy look at our baby, he is an angel" And he was her driving force. She adored him as he did her and he struggles as he misses her everyday, so will you help me pray for him? Help me know how to comfort him the way my momma would have, the way his nana would have. Please. We could both use your prayers. I thank you for every thing, you are loved...A Handful Of Weeds
I am trying my best to move through each day without feeling suffocated. I say trying because I have yet to get to that point. I have tried telling myself that my mom is no longer in pain, no longer heartbroken and missing her mom as I am now. I tell myself that she would want me to remember her life, not her death and she would want me to move forward with my life. I tell myself. I must not be a good listener. :) every day is hard and pain unmeasurable is suffocating. But I find my mommas love around every corner. I heard this song and if ever there was a song written about the lady that God blessed me with as a mom, this is it. Its titled a hand full of weeds. I miss my momma, but I know now she is blessed with a arm full of the most beautiful flowers no living being has ever seen, she is in the presence of our Lord & Savior.
"Handful Of Weeds"
Four years old, with dirt on my face
I'd been out in the yard pickin dandelions all day
I burst through the front door
when I'd gathered enough to give to my mom,
to show her my love
when I held out my hands
she looked down at me,
she said I've never seen flowers as beautiful as these
she's the one who told me about Jesus
she's the one who taught me to sing
she deserves, an armful of roses
she's satisfied with a handful of weeds
Now that I'm older and out on my own
I wish I could find more time to make it back home
I could've done better,
I know in my heart
than to scribble a note on a last minute card
And then she calls on the phone
and the first thing she says is
I've read this card over and over again
She's always known what true love means
and I want her to know what she means to me !
she's the one who told me about Jesus
she's the one who taught me to sing
she deserves, an armful of roses
she's satisfied with a handful of weeds
She's more than satisfied, with a handful of weeds.
"Handful Of Weeds"
Four years old, with dirt on my face
I'd been out in the yard pickin dandelions all day
I burst through the front door
when I'd gathered enough to give to my mom,
to show her my love
when I held out my hands
she looked down at me,
she said I've never seen flowers as beautiful as these
she's the one who told me about Jesus
she's the one who taught me to sing
she deserves, an armful of roses
she's satisfied with a handful of weeds
Now that I'm older and out on my own
I wish I could find more time to make it back home
I could've done better,
I know in my heart
than to scribble a note on a last minute card
And then she calls on the phone
and the first thing she says is
I've read this card over and over again
She's always known what true love means
and I want her to know what she means to me !
she's the one who told me about Jesus
she's the one who taught me to sing
she deserves, an armful of roses
she's satisfied with a handful of weeds
She's more than satisfied, with a handful of weeds.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
NO GOD! Not my MOMMA!
I am sitting here at this computer trying to decide how to put into words the events that have occurred in the last 3 weeks. I truly don’t know how to begin or what to say...
I guess I will start with the morning of February 12th . This morning started out as every other morning, John and Christy had brought me Abby and Isaiah to watch for the day. And being that John had just been laid off from his job just 2 days before, he was there with me. I had gotten Boo up and ready for school and he was as always grumpy, nothing new. So I feed him some oatmeal and send him off to enjoy a Thursday at school. He and John left as I stayed home with Abby and Isaiah. When John got back from dropping Boo off, we sat down with the kids to play. I was talking to John as he played with Isaiah, when the phone rang. I never knew that what I was about to hear would change my life forever.
As I reached for the phone, John asked who is it, it was dad. I answered, he couldn’t talk he was crying, his gasps for air scared me, then the next words I heard I can not get out of my mind, "Sissy, oh sissy you need to get down here" I said ok daddy calm down what’s wrong? I thought it was my lil brother, I just knew he had overdosed but I didn’t hear my mom in the background. Thinking back now, I should have known. Then my daddy told me the hardest thing I have ever had to hear... he said, "sissy I found your momma dead, I need you" I remember screaming no! daddy no! I dropped the phone in Johns lap and said my mommas dead as I ran out the door. In the short run from my house to theirs every bad thing crossed my mind, and all I could do was plead with God to not let it be true, not my momma. I had just seen her the night before and tucked her into bed, not my momma, I need my momma. NOT MY MOMMA! I was afraid I had no idea what I was about to find, had she fallen? She was sick and fell all the time, had she hit her head? No! There’s been a mistake, NOT MY MOMMA. But when I got to the door daddy met me, he grabbed me tightly as I screamed so loud that the neighbors could hear. I could see her she wasn’t dead she was in the bed, she was asleep. The same way I saw her a million times before, the same way I saw her just hours before, daddy held me as I screamed not momma and when I broke free and got to my momma she was laying there so peaceful as if she were sleeping, I could hear the oxygen trying to push into her lugs from her nose tube, but she wasn’t breathing. Her arm was cold and her nails were blue. I begged her to come back, I tried to breathe air into her, I don’t know CPR but I did all I could, but God had already taken her. I could feel the warmth of her cheek, as I leaned down and tried to breathe life back into her. I begged God to give her my beating heart, to put my breath into her. I begged. He refused. It took almost an hour for the ambulance to arrive, and I know they found no heartbeat, no life in my mom. But they said they did all they could. But my momma had went to sleep the night before and when her eyes opened again she was not in this world, my momma awoke in heaven.
I struggle with this everyday. I have never felt such pain. I want my momma. I want her arms around me, I want to smell her hair and her perfume when she hugs me, I want to look into her green eyes and tell her that I love her one more time. I am so lost without her. PLEASE! God not my Momma!
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