Behind the door

Five months have passed since I lost my Momma. It happened so suddenly and I just can't seem to move forward past the closed door.

They say there are 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I am still in denial. I refuse to go into her room. The door is closed and as long as I leave it closed I can pretend she is in her room sleeping peacefully and there is no need to disturb her. I know this is not the healthy way to deal with losing her, but I don't think that I am ready to be angry, although the first few days I did go through the first three stages over and over but I seem to have gotten stuck back at the first one...denial. Shall I be stuck here forever? I think most certainly not. I know Momma would want me to move forward. I just don't want to let her go. She was my best friend, she was the one I could confide in, the one who loved me no matter how bad I screwed up, the one who always took the most pride in my accomplishments, the one who always knew just what to say, when I was at my lowest point she would help me pick myself back up, she was the best mom. I miss her. Her laughter filled the room, her smile bright as the sun, she had a heart that was as big as the world. I love her so. I miss her so. What can I do? Do I leave the door shut and let her sleep. In my head I know her fight is over, her work on earth is done, she is resting now for the first time. But my heart, my heart it aches for her. It aches for her touch, her laugh, her smile. For now I think I will leave the door shut and let her rest, at least for this night. I am unsure of tomorrow.