Barely getting by...

So much has changed in the last month and a half. Life truly is fragile. The loss of my momma has taken a huge toll on the entire family. Mom was the thread that held us all together. We all seem to be falling apart.

My son
He has trouble sleeping, cries often and has spurts of pure anger. He lacks interest in many things he use to love, baseball being the most recent in a line of unappealing objects of interest. I try to help him but he just wants to be left alone. And my hearts breaks because I know mom would know what to do. How can I comfort him, I just don't know.

My brother
My brother was in no way good to our mom. His drug dependence and his need for that to be supported always ended in my momma being emotionally abused. And now he resorts to using my mommas death to his advantage. To take from those who have compassion for a young man who just lost his mom so suddenly. He has had some moments of sanity and seen his wrong doing but then he returns to his drug use and his abuse of our fathers love.

My aunts ( mommas sisters )
Anger consumes them. They both have lots of hurt and anger, in the past 9 years they have lost their parents, a brother and 2 sisters . They lost my granny and momma just a year apart. They are hurt deep. Neither live for God, I hope that knowing that the life my momma led, in someway helps them overcome the anger and they can find hope in Gods love...

My Daddy
Oh my, this man is a rock. Solid in most every way but in the past month I have seen him crumble. His heart is broken. He is a mess, much like me. During the 1st week of my mommas unexpected passing I thought my dad was doing great, he has tremendous faith in God and knowing someday he would see mom again gave him comfort, knowing her pain was gone and she would not have to suffer another day in this hell she had on earth was a comfort. But all the faith in the world couldn't keep his heart from aching. His health is not good but the grief has taken its toll. He has resigned his church, I worry for him. He has had such trouble. My brother continually takes advantage of his grief. And this breaks his heart even more. I cant help him. I don't know how...

Me
ML... well Mariea Lynn is a shell of herself. Not really here. Not really feeling much more than the emptiness. I need to help the above people that I love with all my heart, but there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, I am a mess. I have sank into a deep depression. I am lost and I need to hear my mommas voice, feel her hands brush my hair out of my eyes, I need to know she is ok. I just don't know what I need. I want to be able to feel the way people say I should feel, I should be happy she doesn't suffer anymore, and I do but I still want her here with me. I wouldn't bring momma back not to the life that she had, if i could bring her back now in her new body that she was given, the one with no sickness no pain...I don't know I would still be bringing her back to this hell we call earth. Maybe I will wait and go be with her... I just don't know anymore...

I guess what I am trying to say is we are a family that is struggling to stay afloat. In need of Gods mercies. Please help our family pray for guidance and peace. I don't know where else to turn but to the Lord...